Always & Never

I’ve been a working mom for almost 20 years. I’ve been an obsessive mom for about the same length of time.

I find it ironic that, as a single person without kids, I was the perfect parent. I knew everything there was to know about raising children and my parenting vocabulary was peppered with the words “never” and “always.” Example: I will never let my child eat in front of the television and my kid will always behave in stores and I will never work once I have kids and I will always be there for them when they come home after school.

I also find it ironic that, as a working mom, I was both impressed by a woman’s ability to become a stay-at-home mom (as it drove me crazy) and scornful when her stay-at-homeness went on to long. In fact, I was a SAHM until my second son was 10-months old, and the solitary, toddlerian nature of it (my older son was 2.5 years) drove me insane. I didn’t complain much when finances forced me back to work.

Admittedly, however, I thought those women that continued to be SAH moms once their kids went back to school were spoiled. And crazy. And what the heck did they do with all their time? Television, bon-bons (do people even eat those anymore?) and hair appointments. Maybe a volunteering gig every once in awhile.

It wasn’t for me. I wanted a career, and I loved that I was intelligent and hard working and driven. I wanted to succeed and keep on growing and to continue to aim ever higher for the next advancement.

Except advancement stopped coming. And I’d grown both complacent and disappointed. My work life eventually went from invigorating me, to becoming the center of my dread.

When the day arrived—when I stepped on the landmine that shot me completely off the same dreary path I’d been on for over a decade—I was disoriented. Then nervous. Then relieved. Few people anticipate being laid off; fewer people hope for it. So when you realize you were secretly hoping for some way to escape the frustrating, soul-sucking slog that your career had become, sudden unemployment can be a blessing in disguise.

I spend my days taking care of all the things I’ve ignored for years, like cleaning the refrigerator or organizing the linen closet. And other things I’ve wanted to do, like helping my own kids with their homework—instead of having to rely on some after school program to do it for me. Making dinner is no longer the intense, stressful rush to get home from work and get it on the table before whisking kids off to whatever practice or activity comes next. I can plan for it. And enjoy the creativity of it.

Life has slowed down. While I’m still able to see the forest for the trees, now I’m able to stop and actually appreciate the trees. However, “always” and “never” still cloud my vocabulary. As in: I will always appreciate this time, and will never forget how grateful I am to have had it.