What I meant to say

Last week I was part of a panel at the Central California Women’s Conference speaking about work-life balance; which is to say, how to balance your work life with your personal life. The panel included the president/CEO for United Way of Fresno County, a vice president of Pelco, a vice president and general manager of Univision Television… and me, that writer lady with the seven kids. Suffice it to say I felt like a total big shot: Have ego, will gloat.

I’m a belt-and-suspenders kind of gal, and so it would come as no surprise that I spent the months leading up to the event planning what I wanted to say.  I was, after all, a mother being given the opportunity to speak to WILLING LISTENERS. Not used to this foreign environment, I decided I’d better come prepared.

The very day I was invited to be on the panel, I started envisioning what the questions would be like, and what all-important, life-changing information I’d want to share. And after several months of imagining, crafting, dreaming and planning, the day came, the questions came, and my answers burst forth… including none of the nifty tidbits I had intended to share.

See how the rings overlap?

And my tidbits are backed by scientific research. Which makes them intelligent and worthy of note. Alas, dear readers: I share these bits with you now. And in my mind’s eye, you will enjoy the same “a-ha” moment I did, when I first connected the dots.

AMAZING TIDBIT NUMBER 1: Emotions outlast memories. Researchers at the University of Iowa conducted a test on patients who suffered from amnesia. After viewing a sad, 20-minute movie, participants were quizzed about the film they had just seen. As expected, the amnesiac participants could not remember what they had just watched, nor that they had even watched a film.  Yet, when asked about their feelings, participants reported feelings of sadness. The study was repeated with a happy film, and the results were similar, though the feelings of happiness didn’t last quite as long as the feelings of sadness had.

AMAZING TIDBIT NUMBER 2: We learn by seeing, too. You know that saying, “Monkey see, monkey do?” Blame it on mirror neurons-- nerve cells that react when an animal performs an action, and also when that animal observes another performing that same action.  Basically, these neurons (which are believed to exist in humans and are behind our ability to empathize) are what allows us to learn by mirroring—imitating—others. The kicker is, these neurons react whether we’re aware of it or not.

So what’s the point? And what does this have to do with balance in your life?

Imagine yourself reading a scary book at bedtime. It’s scary and thrilling but your lids just can’t stay open. Soon you fall into  a deep sleep and are bothered by dreams that are related to the book you were just reading. Creepy, scary dreams. When you wake, you can’t remember your dream, but you feel bothered. Angry. Yucky. Negative emotions ooze through you—but you have no idea where the feelings came from.

Now imagine that you walk into your kitchen, grumpy and not knowing why, and your negative output is being viewed by another. Your 8-year-old, perhaps. Or your spouse. Without them knowing it—without you knowing it—their little mirror neurons are busy at work, learning. Imitating. Empathizing. Monkey see, monkey do. And now everyone is in a crummy mood—thanks to you. And no one knows why.

The better news here, though, is how easy it is to flip this on its head. Surrounding yourself with humor or positivity ALSO has an emotional effect that outlasts the memory of its origin; it makes you feel happy beyond the memory of the act itself.

Further, your attitude has an effect on others. Like a water droplet hitting a pool, the ever-widening rings of energy continue to extend outward, bumping up against others, causing reactions all their own. The energy lives on.

Oh yeah, and balance? When we're happy, we experience reduced stress. Reduced stress means we're emotionally in a better place to deal with life's challenges. And dealing with life on an emotionally even keel is how we find balance.

So, monkey: go surround yourself with positive people and watch a funny movie. You’ll feel better, and so will everyone who comes in contact with you.