I blame the carrots

FACT: Tapioca is delicious.

FACT: You are what you eat.

AND THEREFORE: I have figured out why my bum looks like tapioca.

I often wonder why I’m not as healthy as I’d like to be; and after some reflection, what I really end up wanting to know is: Why is pizza so demanding? Why does it have to be the center of attention ALL THE TIME?

Seriously, pizza, you’re just a food. You don’t need to be such an attention hog.

And what is up with Mexican food? It makes me so angry, the way it ekes into my subconscious at the most inane times. Sometimes I just want to scream, “What are you trying to do to me here? Listen, Mexican food, if you really cared about me, you wouldn’t be flaunting your nachos at me like some streetwise hooker.”

But Mexican food never listens. Neither do bagels with cream cheese, or lasagna, or ice cream. Talk about naggy and insistent foods…

And frankly, you know who I blame for the constant intrusion of these foods into my subconscious? Carrots. And celery. If any two foods could take a lesson on how to be bigger attention getters, it would be those two. Don’t they know they’re losing the battle to cookies? Don’t they ever listen to the way the candy bars practically jump out at me, trying to win my focus? If carrots and celery really wanted to be part of my regular gastronomic world, they need to beef up their marketing efforts, so to speak. Get hip with the mental imagery.

Case in point: Driving home from work on any given Tuesday evening, you can bet I’m thinking about one of two things. One, how much laundry is waiting. And two, what the heck am I going to feed the kids for dinner? And here it is, the food world’s big opportunity to make an impact in my life. And who always wins first thought?

Pizza.

Followed by Mexican Food.

Followed by the whiny “but it has to be healthyyyyyyyy” voice, hired (one presumes) by my conscience on behalf of the carrots and celery. It’s like they went with some newbie marketer who doesn’t understand that coming in third, while considered award winning, isn’t the same as placing FIRST. That’s where the carrots have to be, first in my thoughts, if they have any hope of regularly making into my meal plan. They can’t rely on the guilt plied by my conscience forever.

So there you have it. I’m not as in shape and as healthy as I want to be. And I blame the carrots.

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