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hErDIng sQUirReLs
26May/10Off

The sensible parents

We’re parents. And parents are supposed to be sensible. Logical. Responsible, practical. That’s why WE’RE the parents and THEY’RE the kids. It’s our job to teach them these things.

So when our two 18-year-olds were facing their first summer post-high school and came to ask us for fun money, after a good, hard laugh we encouraged them/badgered them/set forth the mandate that they HAD to get summer jobs. Yes, it’s a lousy job market, we said, but there will be no resting on your laurels this summer. You must take on responsibility. The Bank of Mom and Dad is now closed. Go get jobs.

That’s right: We sure told them.

Rising to our expectations as children so often do when they have big dreams and empty wallets, they did get jobs. My husband and I were naturally very proud… of ourselves. We congratulated each other on our brilliant parenting techniques. Our cajoling worked! Those freeloaders were now productive members of society! And just as we settled in to pat our own backs and toast one another, these crafty teens were back—this time asking for rides to work.

So we drove them off, and returned home and resettled in and raised our glasses and— phone call: they needed rides home. And when we got home, back they needed to go but we were busy now so we loaned them our car but then the other 5 kids needed to all be at various and sundry activities at the exact same time and GAAAHHH!!!

It became apparent rather quickly that we hated these stupid teen jobs.

Yes, yes, they needed the money. Yes, I know, blah blah productive something something society blah. Those stupid teen jobs had the unpopular side effect of creating shuttle driver jobs for my husband and I.

That’s when we sat down and looked at our finances. Maybe it was time for the teens—we have FIVE of them, after all—to have a car they could share to get them to the places they wanted and/or needed to go.

We’d already held out as long as we could. We calculated what kind of vehicle was reasonably priced and safe to drive. We visited the used car lot.

Our intention was to check out the electric blue Toyota Yaris.  It was cute. Better, it was in our price range. I didn’t know much about safety ratings, but it was the kind of car that could carry maybe a good 3 people. Four if they were small. And it apparently got great gas mileage. Sure, the color was a bit outlandish, but being an intelligent person, I knew that color had very little to do with the actual functioning of the car. Or so my husband told me, anyway.

But the bronze Toyota Corolla, two rows over? Now there was a car. It was larger and the price was better. And one look and we knew the kids would practically almost smirk with joy at such a car. Perhaps even manage a shrug of gratefulness to have something that safe. Yes, it looked like a car a mom would drive. Not this mom, per se, but you know. Some mom somewhere. Like an older mom. A grandmother, perhaps. Not my grandmother, per se, but… whatever. It would be a car that the kids could use, once they got past the flinching and gag reflex.

My husband and I knew it was the sensible choice. Logical. Responsible, practical. And we’re the parents, so clearly we know these things. This car had a lot going for it, characteristics the kids would come to appreciate in time. I mentioned the safe thing, right? Yeah, well there was that. Oh and it got similar gas mileage to the Yaris, so that’s something. I mean, while they probably didn’t care now, those kids would come to appreciate the gas savings. Bonus: it wasn’t peacock blue.

We went to the lot to see the blue Toyota Yaris. And we decided that the sensible thing would be to go with the larger, bronze Toyota Corolla.

How we ended up driving off the lot with the red 2001 Mustang GT is another story entirely. That one’s the story about us: the non-sensible parents.

Oops.


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26May/10Off

Just sayin’: Gollum & Spitzer

Gollum & Eliot Spitzer





25May/10Off

Pinky the Cat

I am a cat lover. And a kind person. So imagine my surprise when I realized I was horrible for laughing so hard at this.


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14May/10Off

I blame the carrots

FACT: Tapioca is delicious.

FACT: You are what you eat.

AND THEREFORE: I have figured out why my bum looks like tapioca.

I often wonder why I’m not as healthy as I’d like to be; and after some reflection, what I really end up wanting to know is: Why is pizza so demanding? Why does it have to be the center of attention ALL THE TIME?

Seriously, pizza, you’re just a food. You don’t need to be such an attention hog.

And what is up with Mexican food? It makes me so angry, the way it ekes into my subconscious at the most inane times. Sometimes I just want to scream, “What are you trying to do to me here? Listen, Mexican food, if you really cared about me, you wouldn’t be flaunting your nachos at me like some streetwise hooker.”

But Mexican food never listens. Neither do bagels with cream cheese, or lasagna, or ice cream. Talk about naggy and insistent foods…

And frankly, you know who I blame for the constant intrusion of these foods into my subconscious? Carrots. And celery. If any two foods could take a lesson on how to be bigger attention getters, it would be those two. Don’t they know they’re losing the battle to cookies? Don’t they ever listen to the way the candy bars practically jump out at me, trying to win my focus? If carrots and celery really wanted to be part of my regular gastronomic world, they need to beef up their marketing efforts, so to speak. Get hip with the mental imagery.

Case in point: Driving home from work on any given Tuesday evening, you can bet I’m thinking about one of two things. One, how much laundry is waiting. And two, what the heck am I going to feed the kids for dinner? And here it is, the food world’s big opportunity to make an impact in my life. And who always wins first thought?

Pizza.

Followed by Mexican Food.

Followed by the whiny “but it has to be healthyyyyyyyy” voice, hired (one presumes) by my conscience on behalf of the carrots and celery. It’s like they went with some newbie marketer who doesn’t understand that coming in third, while considered award winning, isn’t the same as placing FIRST. That’s where the carrots have to be, first in my thoughts, if they have any hope of regularly making into my meal plan. They can’t rely on the guilt plied by my conscience forever.

So there you have it. I’m not as in shape and as healthy as I want to be. And I blame the carrots.


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10May/10Off

She’s an athlete.

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