Pay no attention to the mom behind the curtain
I was recently asked if I felt like I had different relationships with my biological kids as compared to my stepkids. And I know what the politically correct answer is. And I know what the truthful answer is. However, as stepmom I am subject scrutiny under the wicked myth and thus, to avoid it, I must be fair and blind in all things.
The fair, blind answer is, nope; everything is just fine and dandy as candy. Well alrighty then.
All you critical people, exit to the left and pay no attention to the mom behind the curtain.
Okay, anybody still here?
Yes. Flat out, I do have different relationships with my bio-kids than my stepkids.
FACT: I’ve been with my bio-kids longer. I understand them more. In essence, I know how to motivate them and how to manipulate them (both of which are amazingly important tools in parenting). But I will say being a bio-mom completely gave me a leg-up on being a stepparent.
I really feel bad for the single gal who finds herself thrown into instant motherhood. (I’m looking at you here, Izzy). Any person who raises a kid must inevitably transition from being the center of her own Universe, to having her family be the center. One good thing about growing your own kids first is that one’s selfish reactions as a new mother is lost on a newborn. Newborns, as a society, don’t understand—or care—that you want time to yourself or need a nap or want to take a crap in peace or need space to feel human for awhile. And because that little nubbin is yours to keep, you have less guilt when you feel frustrated and want to throttle them. I mean, come on—you made them, for crying out loud. You suspect that everything you do will force your biological kids into therapy at some point anyway. They are your kids, so the fear of completely screwing up, while present, is on your mental back-burner most of the time. And hey, all that time you’re stumbling around through the early part of parenthood and releasing your attachment to your single life and once-beloved individuality, your bio-kids are growing up, none-the-wiser. For all they know, you’re the greatest parent EVAR. And maybe sometimes you are.
But jumping in head first without ever having parented before? Uy. Stepkids… they arrive with someone else’s screw ups (and, okay, successes) intact. Those little monkeys have their own notions of parenthood and those notions and their related expectations—all of which are based on the hopes and the experiences of the child—are probably wildly different from yours—all of which were scrabbled together off the cuff and based on some Lifetime TV movie of the week. Worse, because stepkids are likely old enough to notice, you can’t hide your parental idiocies and mistakes behind the wall of “you’re my kid and you’ll love me no matter what.” NEWSFLASH: You’re not actually mom. They’re not hardwired to love you unconditionally.
So, conversely, you pretty much know that everything you do will ensure that your stepkids attend therapy. Sadly, this factoid is and will always be a front-burner concern.
Add to this the pressure of the scrutiny one faces as a stepparent, and you’ve got yourself a whole bucket of suck. Think about it: There is a bio-parent out there watching and criticizing everything you do; a parent who trumps you in the love department because she’ll always be their real mom. A woman who has more influence over the school because she can actually affect changes at bureaucratic levels that step parents can’t. A woman who has the benefit of her kids'-- your stepkids'-- unconditional love, always.
Sadly, life as stepmom is sometimes the equivalent of holding everybody’s jackets while they’re on the ride.
I’d feel really sorry for you saps who just dropped into this gig but… I happen to be in this gig, too. And I sometimes already suffer from not being the center of my own Universe, so forget about it.
That said, I take solace in the fact that I have a pretty sweet Universe.
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About me….
Perpetually anxious/simultaneously exhausted mom of a blended family of 7 kids & 2 pets. Writer about same. Wife to one amazingly patient husband. Drinker of wine. Columns found via online syndication in 38+ newspapers across the U.S.
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October 30th, 2009 - 13:51
I agree. You have a different kind of bond with your bio kids than step kids. It does not mean that you do not love your step kids, but the relationship with your own is different.
Successful Parenting
November 5th, 2009 - 10:50
I was thrown into this stepmotherhood thing without being a bio-mom myself. I went from single gal to moving in with my BF and his 2 1/2 year old son he only sees once a month, major holidays, and then we have him 6 weeks in the summer. He lives 12 hours away from us, so needless to say due to his age we fly to him every month. It is a completely different situation then most step-families and it has it postives and negatives but overall I enjoy being part of a family unit and try not to focus on the fact I am not his real mom. I keep hoping he is young enough that he will think of me as an important part of his life and a bonus mom. Only time will tell. Love your blog, congrats on being the teh Stepmom Spotlight!
November 9th, 2009 - 14:53
So true. All of it. Beautifully written. Eloquently (and amusingly) said. You have an open invitation to submit to the magazine anytime.
December 7th, 2009 - 13:41
Loved your honest and open remarks. Why is it that as a mother, it’s OK to make mistakes and feel like we’re ready to sell these kids we’ve created and yet as a stepmom we feel so powerless and devastated? I’ve told on occasion to my husband that I CAN’T love your kids the way I love my son. It just doesn’t happen that way. It was so hard for him to accept. When I finally got “permission” to be the kind of stepparent I knew I should be, my relationship with my two stepdaughters blossoms to become a great loving and caring one.
January 24th, 2010 - 09:44
I am the biological mother of 3 and the step-mother of 2 – you hit the nail right on the head. I love those 2 as much as I love any of them (differently – but all love is different anyway) – but, I am definitely on the sidelines holding the jackets.
March 16th, 2010 - 16:43
Right on the money! And thank you for “allowing me” (and validating) to NOT feel the same way my husband does! And, I had his son living with me from 13 – 18. Now he is off to college and doesn’t even acknowledge me (unless, of course, he needs something). I absolutely HATE being a stepmom — I am truly holding the jackets (but, since he lived with me, I also bought the jacket, washed it, ironed it, etc etc!). I had no clue how their mother’s constant “she is NOT your mother” and bad mouthing me would actually override all the good and kind things I did over the years. Helluva rude awakening for me! I hope it changes as they get even older, but I don’t hold out much hope. I just hope that no woman who is madly in love with a man with kids comes to me for advice,. . . .cause mine might be “don’t do it”! I love my husband, but the baggage (I mean kids and ex-wife) is sometimes thoroughly overwhelming……… I think I will show this article to my husband……it is what I have said all along “I didn’t see them take their first steps” etc. etc. – I got 2 teenagers and an ex-wife who had MAJOR insecurity issues, so cannot even accept her kids talking to me, let alone respecting or loving me. Ugh.
April 8th, 2010 - 13:52
I have biological, step and adopted children and have found that I have different feelings for my bio kids than I do for my step AND adopted kids. When we adopted our two children I already had a step-son but in my heart I believed that when these kids became officially mine I would love them as I do my bio kids. I thought not having their mom in the picture as I do with my step-son might make all the difference. It didn’t and it doesn’t still. I have an affinity for my bio kids that is undeniable. Loving my other children is simply more work. Do I wish it was different? Of course I do. I wish I could love them all with ease. But, the truth is I don’t. Once I accepted that fact, embraced it and quit beating myself up about it life moved forward much more smoothly. Hugs to all the Mamas out there. It’s never easy but still wonderful!