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Pay no attention to the mom behind the curtain

I was recently asked if I felt like I had different relationships with my biological kids as compared to my stepkids. And I know what the politically correct answer is. And I know what the truthful answer is. However, as stepmom I am subject scrutiny under the wicked myth and thus, to avoid it, I must be fair and blind in all things.

The fair, blind answer is, nope; everything is just fine and dandy as candy. Well alrighty then.

All you critical people, exit to the left and pay no attention to the mom behind the curtain.

Okay, anybody still here?

Yes. Flat out, I do have different relationships with my bio-kids than my stepkids.

FACT: I’ve been with my bio-kids longer. I understand them more. In essence, I know how to motivate them and how to manipulate them (both of which are amazingly important tools in parenting). But I will say being a bio-mom completely gave me a leg-up on being a stepparent.

I really feel bad for the single gal who finds herself thrown into instant motherhood. (I’m looking at you here, Izzy). Any person who raises a kid must inevitably transition from being the center of her own Universe, to having her family be the center. One good thing about growing your own kids first is that one’s selfish reactions as a new mother is lost on a newborn. Newborns, as a society, don’t understand—or care—that you want time to yourself or need a nap or want to take a crap in peace or need space to feel human for awhile. And because that little nubbin is yours to keep, you have less guilt when you feel frustrated and want to throttle them. I mean, come on—you made them, for crying out loud. You suspect that everything you do will force your biological kids into therapy at some point anyway. They are your kids, so the fear of completely screwing up, while present, is on your mental back-burner most of the time. And hey, all that time you’re stumbling around through the early part of parenthood and releasing your attachment to your single life and once-beloved individuality, your bio-kids are growing up, none-the-wiser. For all they know, you’re the greatest parent EVAR. And maybe sometimes you are.

But jumping in head first without ever having parented before? Uy. Stepkids… they arrive with someone else’s screw ups (and, okay, successes) intact. Those little monkeys have their own notions of parenthood and those notions and their related expectations—all of which are based on the hopes and the experiences of the child—are probably wildly different from yours—all of which were scrabbled together off the cuff and based on some Lifetime TV movie of the week. Worse, because stepkids are likely old enough to notice, you can’t hide your parental idiocies and mistakes behind the wall of “you’re my kid and you’ll love me no matter what.” NEWSFLASH: You’re not actually mom. They’re not hardwired to love you unconditionally.

So, conversely, you pretty much know that everything you do will ensure that your stepkids attend therapy. Sadly, this factoid is and will always be a front-burner concern.

Add to this the pressure of the scrutiny one faces as a stepparent, and you’ve got yourself a whole bucket of suck. Think about it: There is a bio-parent out there watching and criticizing everything you do; a parent who trumps you in the love department because she’ll always be their real mom. A woman who has more influence over the school because she can actually affect changes at bureaucratic levels that step parents can’t. A woman who has the benefit of her kids’– your stepkids’– unconditional love, always.

Sadly, life as stepmom is sometimes the equivalent of holding everybody’s jackets while they’re on the ride.

I’d feel really sorry for you saps who just dropped into this gig but… I happen to be in this gig, too. And I sometimes already suffer from not being the center of my own Universe, so forget about it.

That said, I take solace in the fact that I have a pretty sweet Universe.

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