You say stepmom, I say stereotype. Let’s call the whole thing off.

On a typical day, life in your world happens as so: You come home from work, and your child won’t speak to you. You get grunts, or sighs, or eye rolling. Her tune changes when daddy is around; she speaks to you and laughs with you and enjoys your company when others are present. But when you two are alone, or maybe it’s a simple matter of no other adult being around, her tone reverts and she speaks to you as though "you idiot" is the natural end to any sentence she directs your way.

At times things are fine. At times she needs things. At times she wants your attention because others want your attention at that same moment (call it competition). At times she talks to you, because she needs you in some way. But most often, you are an anathema in her existence.

She hates you. In truth, she doesn't really *hate* hate you. She just doesn't… well… *like* you. And everybody knows it. But nobody cares.

When you try to talk to your friends about this, or your partner, or your family, or maybe even your therapist, they all tell you to shrug it off. They tell you to let it go. Don't let it bother you. So what, your kid is mean to you. So what, she's disrespectful, angry, rude, willfully defiant. Big deal. They remind you that she's the child, and you're the adult and GET OVER IT! Don't let it bug you.

Yes, everyone would react differently if she treated grandma like this. Or, her teacher. But you—YOU are neither of those important people.

Welcome to being a stepmom: Here's the love of your life, here's the happily ever after, and OH almost forgot, here's the stigma. Let's tattoo that on your forehead real quick: EVIL STEPMOM.

As second wife (or third, or fourth), you are officially Not-the-Mama. And in your capacity as Not-the-Mama, society and Hans Christian Anderson and Disney and the Grimm brothers long ago defined what your relationship to your stepchildren would be. Step kids are allowed to be angry, because YOU are the evil one. Step kids are allowed to be cruel and hostile, because divorce is terrible and you are the adult and well... don't let it bug you.

While the above scenario is a gross exaggeration of my life, it is a very accurate representation of what many stepmoms face daily. The bare truth is I've often felt the sting of others when it comes to my stepmotherly feelings. First off, how dare I have feelings? How dare I be hurt or show hurt when a stepchild says something cruel? Sure, my biological kids saying the same things would cause outrage, but step kids? I'm not allowed to have feelings when it comes to them. Because I can't love them as much as the biological ones, right?

Second, how dare I express my anger at or about my step kids when I feel it? Yes, expressing anger and frustration over my biological children is natural and can be humorous and I'm allowed to find companionship amongst my motherly brethren. But expressing anger or frustration at my stepchild for the exact same things? Well, that just makes me cruel. And insensitive. Inhumane, even.

Third, how can I possibly have the same expectations of my stepchildren as my biological ones? How could I not know how terrible it is to make them do things, like chores? Haven't I read Cinderella?

My frustration at the lack of feelings I'm supposed to have and the hypocrisy we stepmoms endure is tempered when I chat with my oldest stepdaughter. When questioned by her friends about how much she must hate me, she is stunned. "I don’t hate my stepmom at all," she’s told them. "We get along really well."

The fact is, I'm still getting used to these stereotypes, and how they paint the way others perceive my relationship with the newer half of my brood. My children—all of my children—are getting used to them as well. The bio kids are sometimes annoyed by the mistreatment of their mom on the rare occasions it happens. The step kids are sometimes annoyed by the public perception that I must be a complete harpy. We all are sometimes annoyed by the limits of people's understanding and the fairytale way our family is depicted.

The truth: Our great big blended family is much more the norm than non-blended ones these days. Most women I know are stepmoms, or their kids have them at their dads' houses. Maybe it's time to ditch the "evil" myth and redefine what has now become the reality: We stepmoms aren't all bad, and we have feelings, too.