How to keep the sexy in your marriage

I like to think of my blog as a place to impart wisdom. Here’s some wisdom. Heed it. Wisely.

1) Have sex whenever the children aren’t home. Seriously, EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of freedom you can get. Kid-free time is pretty much your only chance to get your groove on while also not mortifying yourself if you’re accidentally overheard or walked in on.

2) On that note, be sure to get a lock on your bedroom door. OHMYGAWD, why would you not have a lock on your bedroom door? That’s just crazy. You’re just begging for the 6-year-old to come bursting in with crucial information about iCarly and how come she can’t get the TV remote to work right and what are you guys doing AND there you two are all in flagrante delicto and shouting, “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT UNTIL WE SAY COME IN!” Don’t go there. The image will be seared into her retinas for all time and it’s really hard to have carefree sex ever again after something like that. I mean… so I’ve heard.

3) Remove all squeakiness from your bed. Those freaking kids have ears like rabbits and if they hear the squeaks, they come running with the “What’s the matter? Are you awake? When can we have breakfast?” Seriously, what is it with kids and the eating-all-the-time? Fix your bed. Then instead of squeaky sex, you can have sneaky sex. It’s more fun that way. I imagine.

4) Do not refer to your body parts with clever names, like “breasticles.” Apparently, that’s not sexy.

5) You can name his body parts, but not anything common, like “Walter” or “Elmer.” And no names that double as girl names, like “Shelly” or “Sal.” Bad ideas. I’m not a namer, personally, but if you must give it a name, I say go with strong names: “The Rammer,” “Buck,” and “Brad Pitt” all seem good. Ok maybe not “Brad Pitt.” But I bet “Hondo” is ok. It sounds strong. (I don’t know what it means, though.)

6) Also apparently using powder in front of your spouse to remove bum sweatiness and stench is not sexy. …Huh.

7) Related: The scent of baby powder in and of itself is not sexy. Whatever.

8 ) Refrain from eating garlic, broccoli, cauliflower, onions, most kinds of Mexican food, or Chinese food, or Japanese food, or any kind of fast food or slow-cooked foods (like from a crock pot), and avoid drinking coffee, beer or anything carbonated prior to an assumed lovemaking session. Also avoid dairy. And big steak dinners. Oh, and Italian. Definitely avoid Italian. Ok, you know what—just to be on the safe side, don’t eat anything at all in the 24-hours before. Except maybe ice.

9) Bathe. If not for your spouse, for the rest of us.

And, finally:

10) Kiss regularly. I think I read somewhere that kissing keeps the romance alive even when you can’t be romantical regularly. Plus, it reminds your spouse that you exist, which is always a good thing. And well… kissing is nice. Do it for the nice.