My staycation: Myth vs. Fact

I took vacation days last Thursday and Friday, and glided through my week, my focus locked onto those days with heady anticipation. Thursday was payday, baby! And I had passes to take the kids to the local water park. It was the final weekend before school was to start. Sun and fun were calling my name—my stay-at-home vacation was going to be AWESOME!

Let me disabuse you right now. It was maybe the worst staycation-vacation ever, in the history of vacations. In short, I give you the myths vs. facts of my extended weekend:

MYTH: Vacation starts Thursday! WHOO HOO!
FACT: Second job as taxi service begins, with me either doing 1) laundry, or 2) dishes in the rare in-between times I actually see my house.

MYTH: Hooray! PAYDAY!
FACT: School starts Monday—and everyone needs SOMETHING. Ch-ching….

MYTH: YAY! I’m going to finally sleep in!
FACT: Hello insomnia. I hate you.

MYTH: A largely kid-free weekend! Only two teens to entertain!
FACT: Six kids ended up at home. SIX. ENTIRE. CHILDREN.

MYTH: Everyone is doing well
FACT: My oldest son falls ill, causing late night Urgent Care trip #1

MYTH: Kids are ready for school!
FACT: There was a problem with guardian daughter’s registration. We had to track down GD’s biological mom and work out a last minute registration, because, according to the school district, as much as I love and care for my guardian daughter and despite the legal documents in hand, I “mean nothing” to their process and only bio-mom can move through the bureaucratic morass. YAY me.

MYTH: Someone recycled one of my Mason Jars—GAAAAAHHHH
FACT: That was no Mason Jar—it was a broken salsa jar, and I sliced my thumb open. Oooh, look! The fatty subcutaneous layer! Urgent care trip #2.

MYTH: Kids are ready for school, this time for sure!
FACT: Four hours spent at Target, TJ Maxx and elsewhere whittling down a list of must-need items. My lower back is killing the parts of me that my crappy attitude hasn’t already destroyed.

MYTH: YAY! PMS is finally over!
FACT: Crap. Aunt Flo came thundering into town. She’s angry, rude, and tap dancing on my uterus.

MYTH: Everyone is doing well.
FACT: Our oldest son is STILL sick, and now stepdaughter’s dermatitis has flared up and it UUUUUUU-GLY. Urgent Care trip #3.
IDEA: Frequent visitor’s card! Get enough stamps, get free hand sanitizer! Urgent care directors, think about it.

This, dear readers, is just a glimpse. A GLIMPSE. Of the horror. That was my “vacation.” You notice I did not mention the burned dinners. Nor the cat vomit. Nor the petty squabbling, nor the dirty bathrooms, nor the surprise bills. But there, I just got them in there, so now you have an even clearer picture of my horrible, terrible, no good, dirty rotten staycation. We never even made it to the water park.

And the truth is, I am not a whiner—I’m just…. Okay, yeah, I’m a huge whiner. And I was so, SO glad to be able to come back to work and relax. How wrong is THAT??