Q&A: My stepson makes me crazy. What do I do?

Stepmom Query: I am so ready for this kid to live with his mother. He is making me CRAZY! His feet are flithy, scrapped and caked in dirt, and it grosses me out to see them walking around my house. He lies about the stupidest things (and acts right about everything).   He picks fights with the younger child and he doesn't share. This 11-year-old honestly requires more supervision than the toddler does! How do I survive his visitation?

Answer:

My husband and I each have sons, both are now 13. They get along together very well. But let me shine a light, here (and I say this with all the love in my heart): Whether it’s your kid, or your stepkid, just know that ALL boys at this age are little messes unto themselves. Even if he was your own flesh and blood you’d notice that 11 is a shock-point-kind-of age for boys. They’re stinky; they have that heavy, pre-sweat, musky stench; they have snargly teeth that are all growing in different directions that they don’t like to brush very much; and they don't care at all about personal hygiene, and forget clean feet or combed hair. It's hard to shower them, let alone shower them with love at this age.

Eleven-year-old boys are into WHAT THEY are into, and nothing else. Unless that something changes, then they’ll suddenly be into THAT new thing (so forget the old thing because now that old thing is lame). They know it all sometimes, and they want to tell you all that they know over and over and over until you just pray for your own quick death.

Essentially what is happening at this age is they are beginning the long, sslooooow push toward their independence. That crappy behavior you’re mentioning is, in part, neuro-typical of boys this age, as they grow toward adulthood.

Now—as hard as it is to have empathy for a stinky, rude, unkempt, know-it-all creature: This kid has survived a divorce. So there may be a little sadness there. And he’s moving back and forth, so he’s likely feeling out of control. Is it possible that his biological mom is not positive toward you or your husband? If so, he might have loyalty issues. He wants to be nice—but being nice means he’s being disloyal to his biological mom. And from what you've mentioned, it sounds like in his mind he is competing with a younger, cuter V 2.0 in the same house. He’s jealous, and jealousy can make all of us act in ugly, ugly ways.

And finally, kids are sponges. They KNOW, despite the awesome face we paste on, when in our heart-of-heart we want to throttle them.

My advice: Start up with the positive reinforcement. Say nice things to him. Even if the nicest thing you can say is, “Wow, I really like the way you breathe”—at the very least, it’s something.

I’ve noticed with all of my kids (bio and step) that when they are super negative, the negativity just sucks in on itself and breeds and they cycle down. To counteract it—try saying something positive. And just keep at it. What I have seen: Kids want that praise, and they start doing little things to get it. More and more things, so in essence, they cycle UP.

It is so hard when you have such strong, actively negative feelings inside, to be nice. At least it is VERY hard for me. But I think—if you can get past that anger lump in your chest—you will find this kid can be positive. And in time, maybe even receptive to the kindness you are trying to offer.