Should you stay or should you go?

Dear Reader:

You asked whether or not you should stay in your marriage. You say you are looking for advice from me, but it sounds more like you're looking for courage and permission.

I can't give you either. I can only speak from experience, and my experience wasn't pretty. I've written about it before, but let me put it to you bluntly:

Divorce sucks ass. Especially if you have kids, know that it is horrible, even under the best circumstances.

That said, a bad marriage sucks ass. My question: Is your marriage fixable? Unlike some people, I believe that some marriages just aren't fixable. Some marriages can be broken beyond repair, even when its participants stay. That said, if your marriage is fixable: Do you want to fix it, or do you want to move on?

This whole figuring out of who is wrong or right always frustrates me. Why do we need a victim in divorce? Why do we need a bad guy and a good guy, a right one and a wrong one? Rarely in life is anything so clean cut. Even Hitler thought he was right.

So in lieu of that futile line of thinking, I put it to you this way:

If you want out, you have to be willing to accept full responsibility for the choice you make to leave. If you can do that, you will eventually heal and move beyond the grief you will feel at such a loss. Because you will feel grief, even if ending the marriage is your choice.

You also will have to accept that your kids may be extremely angry with you and may even hate you for a time. Can you be in that role? Can you be the bad guy in your kids' eyes?

Can you be separated/divorced and NOT blame your former spouse for his choices/downfalls as a person?

Can you successfully co-parent without anger, without bad-mouthing your former spouse in front of the kids or to people who may repeat your words to your kids?

Can you be kind to the father of your children once you no longer have to deal with him face-to-face daily? Can you pretend to be happy for your kids when they share how much they love their dad, or how wonderful his new girlfriend is?

Can you live without full custody?

Can you share the role of motherhood with another person, and do so gracefully?

Can you live with knowing he will do whatever he wants as a parent, and you will be largely powerless over the choices he makes as a parent in his home?

Can you two abdicate your roles as decision makers to a court system, and live with that choice until your children turn 18?

Can you make it financially without him?

Are you willing to move out of your current home?

Are you willing to be the bad guy?

In our mind's eye, when we divorce, we don't think of the ugly. We think of FREEDOM. We think of how wonderful it will be to have our own place and new bathroom towels and not have to deal with that man's scent any longer.

We don't think of how, even though we end our marriage, our responsibilities as a co-parent and former spouse still exist.

I have been divorced from my sons' father for over 12 years. I still have to deal with him, and he with me. I still occasionally have to deal with old baggage/old hurts/negativity as we navigate our sons' growth to adulthood. And not just my anger (which is long-since spent). Not my hurt (which has long-since ended). Occasionally I have to deal with HIS issues and anger and our sniping over things that occurred in a distant past. Our marriage ended long before the divorce, but we still have to deal with each other.

Marriages end. Parenting doesn't.

Whether you are able to continue dealing with your former spouse isn't a consideration. It's making sure you understand that you will HAVE to continue to deal with him. Ending the marriage isn't a clean escape. It's the beginning of a new definition of your relationship to each other.

No one  can answer any of these questions for you or truly advise you one way or the other. The answers to these questions lie in your heart, alone.

And either choice-- to stay, or to go-- either is difficult. There is no easy answer.