I wouldn’t bank on it

There are very few activities that provide the rush-- or the anguish-- of skydiving. Or bungee jumping. Or being pushed down a flight of stairs. Which is to say: I am not a fan of checking my bank account-- an activity that I approach with the same kind of trepidation and/or dread of other major, potentially deadly activities.

Checking my account is a process, really. I think about it for hours. I remind myself constantly that I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, I am capable enough to just go see how the account is faring. After several hours of such affirmations I eventually muster the interest and courage to go to the room where the computer resides. I pet it kindly. I pray to the computer gods that the news inside the magical box will be favorable. Sometimes at this point I sacrifice a chicken. Eventually I connect to the internet and finally, inevitably, I play Tetris.

...and then I check Facebook.

...and then I Twitter a bit.

...and then I decide I am hungry, so I go to the kitchen for a snack, because I don't want to be lightheaded when I check my account. But on the way I see that I have 10 loads of laundry waiting for me, so I ignore the wash and go back upstairs to check the bank account.

I get there in the end, heart pounding, lightheaded, fearsome and dazed-- and sometimes a happy surprise awaits. Sometimes I have more in my account than I anticipated and I feel gleeful.

Other times, not so much.

It is at these times-- every last stinking one of them-- I think back on my high school experience with frustration. Yes, Algebra, you have been helpful. I never mastered you, but we had a healthy relationship built on mutual respect. I sat in awe of you, and you did your number…thing.

Yet I ask, why wasn't Home Ec a graduation requirement? Because I've baked a hell of a lot more muffins than I've divided rational expressions. And do NOT get me started on polynomials.

My point being, I have no idea how to budget for my household. Not really. I wish I could have learned, way back in high school, how to successfully manage that task. And my sister's urging to "take a class on business management" is met with a blank stare. Seriously? Seven kids, full-time job, running around like a chicken with my head cut off half the time and her suggestion is to “take a class”? Huh. Maybe during my magic 25th hour of the day, if it wasn’t already booked. I honestly don't even watch TV anymore-- I'm too busy ignoring the laundry.

That said, I DO need to learn how to budget, and moreover, how to STICK TO a budget. Because really, my constant affirmations aren't actually balancing my checkbook. Well, no one is actually balancing my checkbook. My checkbook, however, is balancing the uneven table leg, so actual balancing is occurring.

Anyway, enough of this blog thing. I have to check my bank account. Right after I clean my closet.