How not to manage your finances

1) Visualize that your ATM card is connected to a gigantic pit of money.

2) Use the little transaction record book to balance out the wobbly leg on your kitchen table.

3) Go out to movies, buy new clothes, and sign up for online services. Often.

4) Tattoo your social security number on your bicep and then just hold your arm steady in front of people as often as possible.

5) Open as many credit card accounts as is possible, and max them out instantly.

6) Repeat step 5.

7) Toward the end of the pay cycle, decide lack of food in the house means it is a good time to begin eating out. For every meal. Repeat loudly and often: Cooking? What’s that?

Make sure your spouse has similar spending habits (easier for finger pointing)

9) The day before payday, as your checking account is showing a balance of $1.06, vow to get super financially responsible.

10) Celebrate payday by taking the family to Flemmings.