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hErDIng sQUirReLs
23Jan/08Off

Hairless

My web hosting company upgraded to a new content management system. They sent out notices that they were doing it. All was going to be seamless.

Except nothing I published appeared on my site.

*this is me, pulling out my hair, strand by strand*

Ooohhh, yeah.. Oops. Forgot to mention in the "Upgrade" e-mail that the server info was also changing.

A 48-minute hold time sent to me a foreign country's help desk, wherein my issue was resolved in less than 2 minutes. Verifying my account security took longer than the actual resolution to my issue.

*sigh*

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21Jan/08Off

MASTERCARD: Food for the Financially Foolish

Online banking revealed a nasty somn'-somn' last week: the budget is off.

Way off.

Being the stupid fool that I am, what do I do???

I bought ROCK BAND.

ch-ching, thank you Mastercard.

BEST. GAME. EVER.

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8Jan/08Off

Morning…

Some wonder how it is we get ready in the morning, what with six kids. Truthfully: It's almost the same, no matter how many monkeys we have at home on any given day.

I have been taking the early crew this week, which is comprised of my three kids-- all of whom must be in different places at varying times-- all across town.

As Trev needs to be at school by 8:00, the early crew must leave the house no later than 7:30, which means all 3 of my kids need to be out of bed by 6:45. Which means I need to be out of bed much, much, much sooner. Which means PIC, as the awesome a.m. coffee guy, readies my coffee IV at least 10 minutes before then.

This is a step-by-step guide to early-shift readiness in our household.
~~~
WAKE THE EARLY-SHIFT CHILDREN

Step 1: 6:37 a.m.
Me: Good morning Syd!
(Sydney, her sweet face upturned, she-- so tiny, in her four year-old sleep-- snorts.)
Me: (Ignoring her stinky breath from the snort, I plant little kisses on her softie, sweet cheeks.) Syddie, baby, time to start waking up.
Sydney: (Her sweet baby eyes flutter open, just before the room is filled with voice of Satan.) GO AWAAAYY!!

Me: Honey--
(Baby arms begin to flail as the tiny rattler sinks deeper into her covers. I back away.)

~~~~
Me: (calling from the door) Harry... honey... time to get moving...
(The huge rat's nest-like pile of covers doesn't move. At all.)
Harry?
(Lack of movement makes me question whether he has already retreated to the bathroom. Just as I decide this MUST be the case, I am startled by sudden movement deep within the pile. It stirs minutely, then explodes as lanky, startled arms and legs burst from the covers and a bushy, freaked-out head appears from exactly where I thought his belly was.)
Harry: Whha? Huh? yeah, yeah, I'm up, I'm up!! (Cofused Boy Wonder gazes unseeingly about, then flops back onto his pillow, as if yanked back into the depths of sleep by unseen forces.)
~~~
Me: Trevor?... Trev? (Pause. I gasp as wall of teenage-boy-room scent overtakes me. Taking breath of fresh air from hallway, I make second attempt.)

(speaking quickly, with limited air) Trev? Honey? Time to wake up.

Trevor: *grunt* (no visible movement)
(pause. I take another breath.)

Me: Trev?
Trevor: *series of grunts whose rhythm can be interpreted as, 'okay, okay, I will get in the shower.'*
I leave. I return ten minutes later and all 3 are in the same state if dis-awake.

Step 2: 7:00 a.m., REPEAT STEP 1

Step 3: 7:10 a.m., REPEAT STEP 1, THIS TIME WITH SERIOUS LOUD VOICE.
The children actually respond this time, in the same way that molasses responds when you shout at it.

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Perpetually anxious/simultaneously exhausted mom of a blended family of 7 kids & 2 pets. Writer about same. Wife to one amazingly patient husband. Drinker of wine.

Columns found via online syndication in 38+ newspapers across the U.S.

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