Ongoing battles

Going through personal strife causes intense self-examination. Being that I am currently separated from my second husband and facing single-motherhood for the second time in my life, suffice it to say I am going through a reasonable amount of personal strife.

I got lists-- actual lists-- of what I enjoy doing, things I like and, most importantly, the vision of the person I want to become at all times in my life, not just in sporadic bursts. I want to be an involved mother who always puts her kids first, ahead of anything else. This means I want dinners at the table, dinners that are healthy and include things like VEGETABLES. I want no television in the evenings until homework and piano practice are done, and then I want games. BOARD games. I want reading time and bath time, I want big hugs and snuggly moments where we all just hang out TOGETHER, listening to music, dancing around the living room. And I want active weekends, where we go places and have picnics. Or go places and experience nature. I want LIFE. And I want to live it.

I'm Punting Baxter, baby. That means no more sitting on our asses, watching life pass us by. No more television on all day, no more dinner out of boxes all the time. No more being lazy. Engaging in life requires effort, and sometimes effort is work. I am committed to this. I have to be: I've separated from my husband, the man I'd chosen as my life partner, because I have this need-- it's beyond desire, it's a NEED-- to engage in life. And I can't be the person I want and need to be without slipping into the role I have already created within the confines of my marriage.

Baxter is that role. I've punted it. I don't want to be that girl anymore.

Enter last evening:

It's 7:45, I'm just getting home from taking the boys to piano practice, and I'm dead tired. I've forgotten to load up on caffiene beforehand, and the very idea of making dinner for two hungry monkeys (number three stayed with daddy, so she's fed) is daunting. I have this refrigerator full of good stuff for healthy homemade meals, and next to no desire in making any of it. I realize this is going to be a HUGE problem for me. I have veggies galore, but by the time it's time to cook... *sigh*...no way. I fear my "crisper" is so going to become the "rotter." There is no word in the English language that can encompass my complete lack of interest in cooking when I'm that tired.

It's been barely a week since the boys returned from their father's house (note: different father than my daughter's), and already my new-found cooking resolve is waning. Gahhhh... vegetables are so difficult. You gotta clean them, and cut them and...

WTF?!! See? Lazy. Vegetables they aren't difficult. Telling your husband, your best friend that you never argue with, the one who is a good man and a kind man, that you no longer want to be his wife-- THAT is difficult. Convincing your family that you need more out of life and you are making the best personal choice for you, cuz you're a GROWN UP and can do that for your self-- THAT is difficult. Chopping veggies? Oh, for the love of...

I tell you this: I have given up and taken on enough in my life, I won't be beaten down by some crummy vegetables. Fine, so I fed them grapes last night but you just WATCH OUT-- because tonight I am all about the salad and steamed green beans, baby.